playbook pages {fake long-distance boyfriend, part 1}

The fake long-distance boyfriend could manifest itself in a number of possible people. Maybe an old coworker who you always got along with? An ex-boyfriend who you kind of miss and in some world still think you could marry? Someone you’ve always had a thing for but the timing never worked out?

Despite who the person is, the symptoms are usually the same: you guys talk on the phone for hours at a time about everything under the sun; you text each other throughout the day; you send each other dumb emails; you miss them on the days you don’t speak; and then somewhere along the line, in the back of your head, you start to wonder if this guy is “the one,” and your life just sucks because you live far away from each other.

For me, my current fake long-distance boyfriend is sort of an ex and sort of a crush who I’ve always had bad timing with. Hottie fireman and I have a history that started long before he was a hottie fireman; in fact, in the beginning, he was the dorky, gangly pitcher on the summer ball team–I was the statistician. More on that later…

Yes. This is ACTUALLY him.

But for now, we are in the perfect place where we talk every couple of days, text or email almost everyday, talk about anything under the sun and laugh for hours. For me, someone who is happily playing the field in New York City, the situation is kind of perfect. I can date people without feeling badly and still have someone to talk to when I need emotion support from someone who actually knows me. For him, a guy who just got out of a relationship and works crappy 24-hour shifts at the highest of high-stress jobs, he gets someone to worry about him, someone to vent to, and someone for emotional support.

Naturally, especially with our history, I am to the point where I think he’s “the one,” and that I’m in love with him. Normally, in this kind of situation,  I’d be OK with having these feelings… part of the territory as it were.

But hottie fireman is coming to visit in a week and a half and I’m slightly terrified. I’m terrified that he’ll get here and I’ll realize it’s just the usual long-distance illusion that’s making me think I love him. But I’m also terrified that he’ll get here and I’ll realize that I really DO feel that way. This is not the first time we’ve played this long distance game (see part 2), but this is the first time we’ve been this “grown-up,” the first time we’ve already “learned from some mistakes,” the first time we’re reuniting before we’ve gotten to the obsessive fighting point.

It’s also the first time we’ve seen each other in 3 years.

More to come as the countdown to his arrival continues…! (UGH terrified!)

 

 

pressure much?

AHH! Get me out of here!!

I think I may have just gotten myself into an awkward situation (when DON’T I get myself into awkward situations?)…

So, tonight my 30-something bachelor (playbook page to come soon) is having an impromptu house-warming party on his amazing terrace. Being it’s a Thursday night and I’m off tomorrow,  naturally I plan on making a night out of it. Wanting others to experience the amazing terrace with me,  naturally I’m planning on inviting others to make a night of it, as well.

Among this list of select few, who get to eat drink and be merry on one of the most amazing terraces I’ve ever seen, is my old boss. She is a 30-something bachelorette whose desired stats probably match quite well with my 30-something bachelor. I am NOT planning on giving away my bachelor, but I’m pretty sure where there will be one, there will be many. So although it will be fun to see her outside of work in general, I hope she might meet someone who could take her on a date. She works hard and deserves it.

BUT… here comes the possible awkward, right? Awkward scenario #1: There is a Carrie Bradshaw/Candice Bergen moment where at some point during the evening, in a drunken admission, she asks me why I’m stealing men that are in her dating range. Awkward scenario #2: She comes and doesn’t meet anyone she likes. OR even worse… she comes, meets someone she likes but he doesn’t like her. UGH. Cringing at the thought already. Awkward scenario #3: She meets someone, they date for a while, they break-up and then I’m stuck in the awkward Who’s side are you on anyway? convos.

Ok. Probably over thinking this… I’m sure it will all be fine. It doesn’t help that the last time I tried to “hook” people up, it worked too well and now my best friend has been dating my ex-coworker for over a year; I never hear from either one of them anymore. Ugh. Now I’m even more nervous.

So, I may not have advice to offer on this one yet, but I’ll keep you posted.

(Possibly) Awkward night on the terrace… here I come!

I have to stop hanging out with guys who suck in bed {part un}

I’ve been in the kitchen for at least ten minutes now, clanking around in case he’s still awake. God, I hope he’s asleep. I don’t want to go back in there.

People are probably wondering why I hang out with someone who I dread climbing in bed with in the first place, but here’s the main part of the problem: the only place he bores me is the bedroom.

We have great conversations; I can tell him about anything; we both like art and music and food; I even cried about my grandpa being sick last time I was over. All of that is great… but he SUCKS in bed. I have to stop hanging out with amazingly great guys who suck in bed.

Perhaps a patient girl would say to me: Well, why don’t you just train him? And then she’d tell me some ridiculous story about how they or their friend so-and-so met this great guy but he sucked in bed but then they trained him and he got better and they lived happily ever after. First of all, this is probably B.S. and second of all, I’m NOT patient.

Sex habits are part of someone’s personality. You can’t just alter them like you can parts of an outfit. What they like is what they like, and what they find sexy is what they find sexy. End of story. Sure you can always “try new things” for someone, but unless they are a total newb or a freak of nature virgin, the “learned” habits aren’t going to stick. They’ll always go back to what feels natural.

Not to mention, just ew. I’m dating a 34-year-old, not a 17-year-old! If you haven’t got it figured out yet, that’s your problem–not mine. I have a social life, a budding career and two jobs. I don’t have time to teach anyone anything. I don’t have time to train something; that’s why I don’t have pets.

Plus, talking things out and guiding someone step-by-step is not sexy. I spend all day at work coordinating things, making sure things get done right and controlling things down to the detail. So, once I get in the bedroom I don’t WANT to be in control. You want to kiss me? Just effing kiss me! You want to take my clothes off? Well, get on it! I wouldn’t come to your room if I didn’t want to do the deed, so stop beating around the bush and get to it already!

Crap. He’s not asleep.

I really need to learn my lesson and stop hanging out with guys who suck in bed.

One-Track Mind

I don’t understand why people have to make things so damn complicated.

Soft kisses are nice… when we’re standing in the rain or waiting for the subway. NOT when you’re trying to turn me on.

Gentle caresses are great… when we’re watching a movie or sitting at the dinner table. NOT when you’re trying to turn me on.

Whispering sweet nothings is wonderful… when we’re witnessing a sunset or sitting by a fire. NOT when you’re trying to turn me on.

And detail-intense descriptions are enjoyable… when you’re telling me a story or we’re making plans. NOT when you’re trying to turn me on.

When you’re trying to turn me on, please, turn your brain OFF. Revert to your animal self, give-in to what comes naturally. Save your multi-dimensional, calculated stuff for the outside world… because when we’re in here I want only your body and your one-track mind.