playbook pages {fake long-distance boyfriend, part 2}

31 Jul

Today I went golfing with 30-something, and when I got day-drunk all I could think was that I missed HottieFireman. Or at least it was a feeling that felt like missing. But then I started to think… Can I miss someone I haven’t seen or talked to in three years?

Yes. That is correct. I have not seen or talked to HottieFireman (up until about a month ago) in THREE YEARS. So, the fact that he will be standing in my apartment, in all of his 6-foot-6-inch-260-pound glory, in less than a week is a little bit scary. Add in the reasons for our not speaking for so long and the idea seems even scarier.

This is not the first time HF and I have engaged in the long-distance fake boyfriend and girlfriend dance. The first time I moved away from home (at the time, it was for college), he became my go-to phone guy. It started as usual… catching up. Then it was checking in about bigger stuff: How was that presentation? What did your boss end up saying about _______? Then it just felt natural to talk everyday… about everything. Then came the inevitable: fights about not talking, fights about dating people, fights about the fact that we were fighting.

In addition, there were the always-confusing attempts to categorize the feelings–both emotional and sexual. It’s amazing how sexually charged you can get just by hearing someone’s voice. Someone you haven’t kissed in over a year. Someone you’ve never even slept with.

We talked about it for hours… The things we would do if we were actually in the same bed. The things we were going to do when we saw each other. But when the time came and we reunited, it felt…off. We didn’t follow through with our plans, exchanged various heartbroken and confused Myspace {yes, Myspace} messages and stopped talking.

About a year and a half later, it happened again. I was just out of an awful year-long relationship with a robot-man who I almost married, HF was just out of fire school. We went through the same steps. Caught up; got connected; got attached; made a lot of plans; reunited and had a looooong awkward night of not-clicking and no sex. This time though, looking back, I WAS TO BLAME. I had just transferred to a new school and was in the middle-school stage of meeting new friends. HF was a stranger to them. He wasn’t “cool.” They thought he was awkward. And I ate it up.

I should’ve felt terrible for the way I treated him, but I didn’t. This time the messages were on FB. We stopped talking. My heart felt broken, but I knew I had broken it myself.

A year later, I reached out. In response, he told me I couldn’t be trusted. My heart broke a little more, because I knew it was true. That was almost three years ago to the week…

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One Response to “playbook pages {fake long-distance boyfriend, part 2}”

  1. clickdaterepeat August 1, 2011 at 4:36 pm #

    Story of my life! I spent about a year and a half delusionally talking to a fake long-distance boyfriend who I met in Vegas of all places. We had great gchat chemistry, and I visited occasionally. I didn’t realize until we completely stopped talking that I had somehow convinced myself he was the guy for me. Literally, I can count on one hand the amount of times I had been in the same room with him. Why do we do this? I assume it’s some sort of fucked up mixture of “I want what I can’t have” and “the grass is always greener”…

    http://www.clickdaterepeat.com

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