I have to stop hanging out with guys who suck in bed {part un}

21 Jul

I’ve been in the kitchen for at least ten minutes now, clanking around in case he’s still awake. God, I hope he’s asleep. I don’t want to go back in there.

People are probably wondering why I hang out with someone who I dread climbing in bed with in the first place, but here’s the main part of the problem: the only place he bores me is the bedroom.

We have great conversations; I can tell him about anything; we both like art and music and food; I even cried about my grandpa being sick last time I was over. All of that is great… but he SUCKS in bed. I have to stop hanging out with amazingly great guys who suck in bed.

Perhaps a patient girl would say to me: Well, why don’t you just train him? And then she’d tell me some ridiculous story about how they or their friend so-and-so met this great guy but he sucked in bed but then they trained him and he got better and they lived happily ever after. First of all, this is probably B.S. and second of all, I’m NOT patient.

Sex habits are part of someone’s personality. You can’t just alter them like you can parts of an outfit. What they like is what they like, and what they find sexy is what they find sexy. End of story. Sure you can always “try new things” for someone, but unless they are a total newb or a freak of nature virgin, the “learned” habits aren’t going to stick. They’ll always go back to what feels natural.

Not to mention, just ew. I’m dating a 34-year-old, not a 17-year-old! If you haven’t got it figured out yet, that’s your problem–not mine. I have a social life, a budding career and two jobs. I don’t have time to teach anyone anything. I don’t have time to train something; that’s why I don’t have pets.

Plus, talking things out and guiding someone step-by-step is not sexy. I spend all day at work coordinating things, making sure things get done right and controlling things down to the detail. So, once I get in the bedroom I don’t WANT to be in control. You want to kiss me? Just effing kiss me! You want to take my clothes off? Well, get on it! I wouldn’t come to your room if I didn’t want to do the deed, so stop beating around the bush and get to it already!

Crap. He’s not asleep.

I really need to learn my lesson and stop hanging out with guys who suck in bed.


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